Habla Castellano?

I was surfing the Internet one day a couple of months ago, looking for some useful tips I could use in teaching my ESOL class. In one website, someone posted a need for a tutor in Spanish. Out of curiosity, I responded that I could help out. Yesterday, I received an email asking if I were still willing to teach and how much I would charge. The student is a young Filipino coed at the Ateneo de Manila University and her struggle is with the future perfect tense. That would be the “I will arrive there after he shall have (arrived).” Llegare y habra llegado. Who speaks that way anymore in Spanish? You simply say it just like that “Voy a llegar despues de llegar de el. Say it in the simplest way. It will be too complicated to construct the future conjugation in the first part of a compound sentence and the past participle on the second part. Unless you are going to write a thesis, hola? Hello. Or you want to speak “high Spanish.” Where and to whom? That is the question.

Much like the discovery I made when I arrived in the US, the spoken American English is different from the written. “I’m gonna go if I was feeling it.” This sentence is redundant and the subjunctive tense is missing, and it is painful to hear; yet, it is arguably, understood. Dig?

I started taking Spanish lessons in the USA in the 80’s. I was a mediocre Spanish student in Manila. And I preferred to speak English when I lived in Manila. Anyway, here in the US, I figured it would be fun to say something more than “bien, gracias.”

I was almost kicked out of my first class in Spanish because the professor thought I was just there to improve my grade point average. He observed that I was understanding the Destino “telenovela.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. I understood the nouns but I could not conjugate the verbs. When he found out where I was from, he gave me a look like “Oh now I know…”

Enseguiendo entonces--

On a trip to the Netherlands in the early 2000, I saw a Spanish restaurant and I decided to go in and buy something out of the take out counter “in Spanish.”

I approached, and said, “Hola senior, buenas noches, como esta?” No problemo, as the Gringos would say.

“Hola seniora, como puedo ayudarle?”

This is the honest truth. When you are learning a language, your brain is a walking dictionary of verbs and nouns, and I wanted so much to construct the longest Spanish sentence I could. So I was flipping through the pages of my personal dictionary.

I proceeded to make the biggest, most robust, delicious sandwich in Spanish. So I said:

“Me gustaria tener un bocadillo grande, lo que bastante por dos personas. Este bocadillo debe que tener jamon y queso, lechugas, tomates, cebollas, mayonesa, y tambien podria darme una ensalada de pulpos y un pedazito del pan morena y una botella de bebida…” I was breathless, yearning to say everything for fear of forgetting the words.

And to my horror, the dependiente asked me, “Y cuanto?” How much? I do not know how to measure in Spanish. My brain was doing a fast scan of my inner Spanish rolodex - okay 1/4, jeez, how do you say that-okay “half of the half.”

So I smiled and exclaimed, “Mitad de mitad!”

He smiled back, and said, “Cuarto de libra” “Si senyor, eso es.” Ok, got through that one. “Algo mas?””Ya, nada mas. Creo que tenemos todos.” Wuau! Wow!

He said, “Tenemos aqui.”and I said, “si, aqui estamos.”as I handed him the dinero.

He then asked, “De donde es?”

This was perfect! He’s conversing with me and I was very happy to engage him. “Soy Filipina pero mira, he vivido en Estados Unidos por trenta anios, mas o menos. Y usted senyor, de donde es?”

“Bueno, soy Espaniol pero he vivido en Miami por diez anios.”

JAJAJAJAJA! Both of us laughed, in Spanish. “Miami?! Dios mio, senyor, porque me dejo sufrir? Nos habriamos hablado en Ingles, entonces?” JAJAJAJA

He said, “Yes, but I was having fun listening to you!”

We said our chaos and adios and the que le vaya muy bien. Then I walked back to the other side of the street where my husband was waiting for me. He asked, “What were you buying that it took you this long?” I said, “I bought a lesson in Spanish comedy.”

Epilogue: Every Spanish speaking country has its own set of Spanish Rolodex.

A bocadillo in Spain is a sanduche in Ecuador. But you can still ask them to put mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomato in both. While you lisp in Barcelona and Madrid, you can get away without lisping and speaking your “ll” in fluid y sound as well! Vamos a adelantar! O Adelantemos! O “Adelantehmoh” in Central America.

Now let me teach this young Filipina how to speak Spanish ebonics. Chuy!