9 Sampagitas: I Have Issues-

And so, Bosscat aka Pops started to take NewCat aka Chenji under his wings. And today, Pops learned something that has to be addressed. They were going around the house when Chenji became sick.

Bosscat: Hey listen, Madam will see your mess. She does not like that.

Chenji: Dude, I am sorry but I cannot help it.

Bosscat: What the heck, you were doing so great then you start to throw up? What's up?

Chenji: Can I be honest with you? I have issues.

Bosscat: Hahahahahaha! Oh. Sorry. Wait, seriously?

Chenji: Seriously. Man, I feel like they will find out I’m a fraud and I will go back to the shelter. I wish I could talk to a terrapin. I feel inadequate.

Bosscat: You’re kidding me. Listen, everyone has issues and I am here to listen. Try not to throw up. Did you see how clean the carpet downstairs is? Don’t do it there! I’ll tell you a secret between you and me, my late brother used to throw up all the time.

Chenji: He did? Was he aneurystic? Did his teeth fall out? Did they hire a terrapin for him?

Bosscat: No he was not aneurystic, dumb ass. Princess Dyna of Great Brittney was. No, my brother was a runt, see, he has low self-esteem. Madam loved him because he was small like a toy. I tolerated them. He was slow. He would go out to the deck, eat Madam’s lilies, then come back inside to throw up?

Chenji: Yo, he must have had issues. Remember last Saturday when they took me to Dr. Fletcher? I was dissed there big time.

Bosscat: Oh yeah, like how?

Chenji: First of all, Madam said maybe I had fleas ‘cause I’ve been scratching all over. Shoot, they acted like I had some STD. And the veterinary technician gave me some flea meds. Then the vet said that maybe I scratch because of stress. Like, duh! Hello, try being in a shelter for three months while everyone leaves and you stay behind! Then she said I will never be taller. I am another Tomcat Cruise, never gonna be anything other than a short dude. At least he lived with Nicolette Kitman, she was the cat’s meow, see? Me, I will just be short and alone. Sorry, I got carried away.

Bosscat: Listen, you are here now. Our humans are great and you will know what I mean later. Hey, height's not a big deal! Look, you gotta be happy with what you are. Napoleon Bonapark was not tall and he was a great man. I think I am something special. I own this house.

Chenji: I know you do. You’re not a runt like me. I need to take some stereos so I can build muscles. All they have in this house is fish oil, man, I need to get me some stereos, just saying. Anyway, so tell me more about your bro.

Bosscat: His name was Jessie. He was built like you, come to think of it. I was older by only a week or so. He was a mellow type of guy, he sits on top of that couch, listening to her annoying sonatas. He would sit there listening to God knows what, even when she has the headphones on and no sounds coming from that digital piano. So lame! But I loved him. One time we were visited by cousin Taz from Boston. Taz tried to take over our house. He pummeled me and Jessie. Jessie the scaredy cat ran and climbed a chair. You know, we were raised to be gracious to guests. We were raised with manners but our cousin was a bully.

Chenji: A bully? That rocks! Wooly bully. I wanna be a wooly bully.

Bosscat: No you don’t. A bully is a jerk who uses his size to get what he wants. Besides you are too small to be a bully.

Chenji: See, you are such a great egg booster! Now I feel like a loser! I feel like we are bonding big time, see, then you tell me! Why don’t you just shoot me with that laser gun upstairs, yeah, point that red dot in between my eyes and shoot me!

Bosscat: Don’t be stupid okay? Listen, I lost my cool and I fought Taz. Jessie looked at us like an idiot. I went for a total showdown, hissing and pawing that son of the bitch! I swear, if they did not throw a slipper in between us I would have shredded him into bazillion pieces. I don’t take from anyone, no way!

Chenji: I don’t take from anyone either! No way, yo say! You're a bad ass, Pops. Did you give Taz an uppercat?

Bosscat: I gave him both a lowercat and and uppercat like this (he pushes the ball in the trench of his toy roulette; it went around with such force)

Chenji: Rockets! You rocked it, Pops!

Bosscat: (Starting to be sad) Well, Jessie started throwing up after that whenever he was stressed. Well, I slept beside Taz' human that night, yes sir. He could not go near us. I hated him, go to hell!

Chenji: Yeah, I hate him, go to hell! Honestly, I want to make our humans happy. What’s up with the shoe strings? They are all over the place.

Bosscat: She used to play with shoe strings with Jessie. I mean no disrespect but my brother was lame, he was string happy. He would jump and catch the string like it was snake for real. So gay, they both looked stupid, I gotta tell ya!

Chenji: No kidding! She’s like “Good boy, catch it, moo bien” what’s that all about?

Bosscat: Hahaha, she spoke Spanish to Jessie. She comes home saying ‘Hola Jessie como estas mi cholo chulito?’ I am like, "Just shoot me, you make me sick. Hey lady, shut up and gimme me some food. NOW!"

Chenji: Spanish for real? I wanna learn Spanish, I wanna learn Spanish!

Bosscat: Are you crazy? You wanna be Madam's cleaning lady?

Chenji: Huh? I don’t wanna be a cleaning lady.

Bosscat: Listen, people who speak Spanish in this house clean the place, got it? Elena from Bonus Irish Argentina. I liked her; she used to give me treats. The other one was a crazy old lady named Marieli. She’s from Bogota, yep, D Street of Colombia, Metro red, mmm-hmm! I was afraid of her, know why? In Bogota, they kill humans for drinking coca-cola. The phone will ring and she’d say, “Que I gordo answer por telefono, no kitten?!” Everytime, the phone rang she would say, “Que I gordo answer por telefono, how’re you kitten me!?” She spoke Spinach.

Chenji: Spinach? That is hot! I wanna speak Spinach! They spoke Spanish in the shelter, “Le gusta este gato? Ah, no, okay, este el otro…” Bunch of jerks did not want to adopt me.

Bosscat: You can speak whatever you want in here but no yelling, ok. They will not return you to the shelter. I will teach you everything I know, I got your back. I got the white guy well trained. (Bojo winked) She is crazy- she speaks Tag along, ok but she will give you bacon sometimes. So, just a friendly advice- do not overeat, stay away from her plants, and never, ever eat a dead cricket! You're gonna be okay. Ok, are you better now?